 |
|
|
A place where ...
Записи с меткой: Die Laughing
Alexander Pup
Alexander Pup
Die Laughing Daily 6
Over breakfast one morning, a little boy kept staring intently at his grandfather. '1s anything the matter, son?' the old man asked.
'No, Gramps. I was just wondering what position you play in the football team.'
'What are? You talking about?' laughed Gramps. 'I'm far too old to play football.'
'Oh,' said the little. Boy. 'It's just that Dad' said that when you kicked off, we'd be able to afford a new car.'
Метки: Die Laughing
Alexander Pup
Alexander Pup
Sense of Humor
‘THE MOST IMPORTANT OF ALL HUMAN QUALITIES IS A SENSE OF HUMOUR’
Biologically, there is only one quality which distinguishes us from animals: the ability to laugh. In a universe which appears to be utterly devoid of humour, we enjoy this supreme luxury. And it is a luxury, for unlike any other bodily process, laughter does not seem to serve a biologically useful purpose. In a divided world, laughter is a unifying force. Human beings oppose each other on a great many issues. Nations may disagree about systems of government and human relations may be plagued by ideological factions and political camps, but we all share the ability to laugh. And laughter, in turn, depends on that most complex and subtle of all human qualities: a sense of humour.  Certain comic stereotypes have a universal appeal. This can best be seen from the world-wide popularity of Charlie Chaplin’s early films. The little man at odds with society never fails to amuse no matter which country we come from. As that great commentator on human affairs, Dr Samuel Johnson, once remarked, ‘Men have been wise in very different modes; but they have always laughed in the same way.’ A sense of humour may take various forms and laughter may be anything from a refined tinkle to an earthquaking roar, but the effect is always the same. Humour helps us to maintain a correct sense of values. It is the one quality which political fanatics appear to lack. If we can see the funny side, we never make the mistake of taking ourselves too seriously. We are always reminded that tragedy is not really far removed from comedy, so we never get a lop-sided view of things. This is one of the chief functions of satire and irony. Human pain and suffering are so grim; we hover so often on the brink of war; political realities are usually enough to plunge us into total despair. In such cicumstances, cartoons and satirical accounts of sombre political events redress the balance. They take the wind out of pompous and arrogant politicians who have lost their sense of proportion. They enable us to see that many of our most profound actions are merely comic or absurd. We laugh when a great satirist like Swift writes about war in Gulliver’s Travels. The Lilliputians and their neighbours attack each other because they can’t agree which end to break an egg. We laugh because we are meant to laugh; but we are meant to weep too. It is no wonder that in totalitarian regimes any satire against the Establishment is wholly banned. It is too powerful a weapon to be allowed to flourish. The sense of humour must be singled out as man’s most important quality because it is associated with laughter. And laughter, in turn, is associated with happiness. Courage, determination, initiative - these are qualities we share with other forms of life. But the sense of humour is uniquely human. If happiness is one of the great goals of life, then it is the sense of humour that provides the key. (taken from a good book)
Метки: Die Laughing
Alexander Pup
Alexander Pup
A secondary school teacher made a list of some well known proverbs and gave the class
the first half of the proverbs, so that they could complete the sayings. Here’s what they
came up with:
As you make your bed so shall you . . . mess it up.
Better to be safe than . . . hit a teacher.
You can lead a horse to water but . . . how?
Don’t bite the hand that . . . looks dirty.
A miss is as good as a . . . mr.
You can’t teach an old dog . . . maths.
The pen is mightier than the . . . pigs.
An idle mind is . . . the best way to relax.
There’s no smoke without . . . pollution.
A penny saved . . . is not much.
Two’s company, three’s . . . the musketeers.
Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and . . . you must blow your own nose.
Children should be seen and not . . . smacked or grounded.
When the blind leadeth the blind . . . best get out of the way.
Never underestimate the power of . . . termites.
No news is . . . impossible.
Love all, trust . . . me.
Don’t put off till tomorrow what . . . you put on to go to bed.
None are so blind as . . . Stevie Wonder.
If at first you don’t succeed . . . get new batteries.
People in glass houses shouldn’t . . . run around naked.
Метки: Die Laughing
Alexander Pup
Alexander Pup
Клотримазол??? Зачем???
ROTTERDAM, Netherlands, Feb. 3 (UPI) -- A student who was banned from attending classes at a Netherlands university due to his foot odor has won the right to return after a decade-long legal fight.
A judge ruled to allow Teunis Tenbrook, who was banned from attending classes at Erasmus University in Rotterdam after administrators said his foot odor was distracting to professors and students, to resume his education at the school after a 10-year lapse, The Sun reported Tuesday. The judge said professors and students would "just have to hold their noses and bear it" if the smell of Tenbrook's feet bothers them in the future. The school said its new policy is to fine smelly students rather than ban them from classes. Why do feet smell? 1. Scientific version; 2. My Father's Version: "because they grow outta ya ass". P.S. In order to make this post even more disgusting, I'll quote one of my favourite play-on-words-based joke: I was walking along the street the other day when I slipped in dog shit.
A minute later, some guy did exactly the same.
I said to him, "I just did that."
So he punched me in the face and called me a dirty bastard.
настроение: Смешливое
хочется: a little bit of sex
слушаю: moralizingz
Метки: Real D.Bills, Die Laughing, Human Zoo
Alexander Pup
Alexander Pup
Joke of the Day
A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over, there's nobody home."
I went over. Nobody was home.
Метки: Die Laughing, nobody home
Alexander Pup
Alexander Pup
Joke of the Day 2
I've recently found a new girlfriend, she's amazing! She's really sexy, she doesn't cause any hastle, never disagrees with me about anything, she never moans, in fact... she doesn't even breathe.
Dave was on the verge of dying on his death bed. His wife was sat beside him. He looked up and muttered weakly "Darling, I have something I must confess".
"There's no need to, you're too ill" replies his wife
"No" he insisted, "I want to die in peace. Over the years I have had numerous affairs and have also slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your mother".
She leant forward and whispered "I know. Now just rest and let the arsenic do its work, you bastard".
Метки: Die Laughing
Alexander Pup
Alexander Pup
Joke of the Day
A woman has been to her doctor for some tests. He says to her "I'm sorry to tell you, you only have a few weeks to live".
She says 'I want a second opinion'.
The doctor says "Ok, you're fat and ugly too".
Метки: Die Laughing, Watch it
Alexander Pup
Alexander Pup
Weird Al - I haven't been laugin like that for ages
I don't know but there's something about this guy that starts to tickle me from within. I laughed my what-I-sit-on off, and I hope you'd enjoy this interview as well:
Метки: Die Laughing, weird al
Alexander Pup
Alexander Pup
Revision: The Past Simple Tense
Listen closely ladies and gentlemen. Do you remember what we talked about at the previous lesson ... yes ... the past simple tense. You can find a lot of information about the past simple tense here. In any case it should always be remembered that we use the Past Simple to narrate events.
Метки: Die Laughing, Watch it
Alexander Pup
Alexander Pup
Lousy Jokes
Jokes that are doomed to fall flat!!!  Two fish were in a tank. One said to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?" Did I ever tell you the story about the broken pencil? It had no point. I was reading a book about adhesive the other day. I just couldn’t put it down. Q: What’s the friendliest school? A: Hi school. Q: What’s black, white, black, white, and green? A: Two skunks fighting over a pickle. Q: What do you give a dog with a fever? A: Mustard. (It’s good for hot dogs.) Q: What do you call a bass vocalist who sings by himself? A: So-low. Q: Where do books eat dinner? A: At the table of contents. Q: Why were the suspenders arrested? A: For holding up a pair of pants. Q: What do you get if you cross a cow with a camel? A: A lumpy milkshake. Q; What did the angry inflatable teacher say to the irresponsible inflatable child in the inflatable school? A: Not only have you let me down, you’ve let yourself down, and you’ve let the whole school down! Q: Why was the broom late? A: Because he overswept.
Метки: Die Laughing
Alexander Pup
Alexander Pup
Dude, I like them trains
A guy goes to the pub, and says to his friend, "You won't believe what happened! I was taking a shortcut along the railway track, and I found a girl tied to the rails. I untied her, and we had sex over and over again. All the positions; everything!"
His friend replies, "That's great! Did you get a blowjob?"
"No, I couldn't find her head."
Метки: Die Laughing
Alexander Pup
Alexander Pup
Yet another X-mas joke
A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.
The librarian says; "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."
Метки: Die Laughing, suicide
Alexander Pup
Alexander Pup
Plastic prostitutes
A Romanian entrepreneur has come under fire for putting plastic prostitutes on the street to advertise his garden gnome business.
Neighbours in Lilieci, Bacau county, complain the realistic figures distract motorists and are an unsuitable sight for local children.
Cristi Birgu, 27, who has just set up his business, defends his "aggressive advertising" and says the dummies will remain outside his house to drum up trade.
Apart from garden gnomes and prostitutes, he makes reproductions of Laurel and Hardy, Elvis, sports stars, cartoon characters and animals.
Mr Birgu said: "So far, my girls have attracted a lot of beeping from truck drivers but not too many customers. Sometimes I am afraid somebody might have an accident, arrested by the view, you know." Resident Gheorghe N said: "I don't think it's moral to display such objects on the street. "They are a bad influence especially for children not to mention there are a lot of people with respect for God here and who don't tolerate such things."
Метки: Real D.Bills, Die Laughing, Human Zoo, The Gifted Ones, Weird!, prostitute
Alexander Pup
Alexander Pup
Dry Wit Battle
This is perhaps the best verbal duel I've ever heard. 1/_Mister West! How nice of you to join us tonight and add colour to these monochromatic proceedings! 2/_Well when a fella comes back from the dead, I find that an occasion to stand up and be counted! 1/_Miss East informs me that you were expectin' to see General McGrath here. Well, I knew him years ago, but I haven't seen him in a coon's age! 2/_Well, I can see where it'd be difficult for a man of your stature to keep in touch with even half the people you know. 1/_Well, perhaps the lovely Miss East will keep you from being a slave to your disappointment! 2/_Well, you know beautiful women, they encourage you one minute, and cut the legs out from under you the next!
Метки: West, Watch it, Deadly Word Boost, black, Die Laughing, wordplay
Alexander Pup
Alexander Pup
Pulp Angry (best scene)
I scared my mother once when I recited it in the bathroom. She went like: "Sasha, what the hell's goin' on in there????"
The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the iniquities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he, who in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who would attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee.
Метки: Watch it, Die Laughing, Deadly Word Boost, vocabulary, black, pulp, fiction
Alexander Pup
Alexander Pup
Hawker
You can use hawker to refer to a person who tries to sell things by calling at people’s homes or standing in the street, especially when you do not approve of this activity.
Semantically Close: Door-to-door sales, distribution, House – to – house advertising
Watch the sketch. Answer the questions in any language you like: 1. What is the man selling?
2. What does the hawker want to do?
3. What do neighbors say about the house Stuart lives in?
4. Is Mama napping or is she simply dead?
5. Does Stuart like demonstrations?
6. Do you have any stains on your carpet?
7. Do you scare easily?
8. Where is the boy's mother?
9. Do you like submissive women?
10. What did the mother do to father?
11. What made the stain?
12. Why does Stuart want to check how the vacuum works himself?
13. Why do they start to fight?
Метки: sketch, Questions, intermediate, Watch it, Deadly Word Boost, Die Laughing
Alexander Pup
Alexander Pup
Gran, you're horny.
Edna Townsend ,70, and David Martin, 31, met and fell in love at an organ society meeting. Despite the age gap, David - who had never had a girlfriend before - said it was love at first sight. Organist David proposed to Edna under Weston-super-Mare pier on Valentine's Day this year. The couple, from Worle in Somerset, said the age differences was not a consideration because they both have "artistic temperaments".
Ms Townsend said she had settled for being single but a chance meeting with Mr Martin had made her change her mind.
Mr Martin, who has been profoundly deaf since the age of nine, is an accomplished organ player. Ms Townsend said: "I had heard quite a lot about this extraordinary young man and it really was love at first sight. 
"With me it's always been men's minds that has attracted. He is the friendliest, funniest and most beautiful man and we are very much in love."
Mr Martin added: "I've never had a relationship before. Before my life was all about music."
Метки: Real D.Bills, Die Laughing, Weird!, granny
Alexander Pup
Alexander Pup
They call me AT.
A father in central China has been refused permission to name his son '@'. The dad wanted to name his son after keyboard character that appears in every email address, arguing it was now in common usage. But officials in Zhengzhou, Henan province, refused to register the name on a legal technicality, the Beijing Morning Post reported. Under Chinese law, all names must be capable of being translated into
Mandarin.
Метки: Die Laughing, Real D.Bills
Alexander Pup
Alexander Pup
One of my fav songs
 A song that contains the word f**k 20 times is heading for the top of the UK charts. The song, F**k It (I Don't Want You Back) by Irish-American singer Eamon, sold 65,000 copies in only two days. That's more than double the next highest new entry by D12, says The Sun.
The track, which has 33 swear words including six sh*ts, has been described as a ghetto version of Nothing Compares 2 U by Sinead O'Connor. The man behind the song is not a hard man gangster brought up in the ghetto. Instead he's a well educated, middle class guy from New York. He said: "When I was young, my mum washed my mouth with hot pepper when I cursed. It hurt bad!"
Eamon's single has been a smash in the US and he has even been credited with creating his own genre called "ho-wop" - a combination of hip-hop and doo-wop.
LIMP BIZKIT "Hot Dog" Ladies and gentlemen! Introducing the Chocolate Starfish! and the Hotdog Flavored Water Bring it on! Get the fuck up! Yeah! Check, one, two Listen up, listen up! Here we go It's a fucked up world A fucked up place Everybody's judged by their fucked up face Fucked up dreams Fucked up life A fucked up kid With a fucked up knife Fucked up moms And fucked up dads It's a fucked up a cop With a fucked up badge Fucked up job With fucked up pay And a fucked up boss Is a fucked up pain Fucked up press And fucked up lies Well, Lethal's in the back With the fact of the fires Hey, it's on Everybody knows it's on Hey, it's on Everybody knows it's on Ain't it a shame that you can't say "Fuck" Fuck's just a word And it's all fucked up Like a fucked up punk With a fucked up mouth A nine inch nail I'll get knocked the fuck out Fucked up aids From fucked up sex Fake ass titties On a fucked up chest We're all fucked up So whatcha wanna do? We fucked up me And fucked up you You wanna fuck me like an animal You'd like to burn me on the inside You like to think that I'm a perfect drug Just know that nothing you do Will bring you closer to me Ain't life a bitch? A fucked up bitch A fucked up sore with a fucked up stitch A fucked up head Is a fucked up shame Swinging on my nuts Is a fucked up game Jealousy filling up a fucked up mind It's real fucked up Like a fucked up crime If I say "Fuck", two more times That's forty six "Fucks" in this fucked up rhyme It's on Everybody knows it's on Hey, it's on Everybody knows it's on You wanna fuck me like an animal You'd like to burn me on the inside You like to think that I'm a perfect drug Just know that nothing you do Will bring you closer to me Hooo Haaa Haaaw! Listen up baby You.. can't.. bring.. me.. (bring me).. down I.. don't.. think.. so I don't want some You.. better.. check.. your.. (check it).. self Before.. you.. wreck.. your.. self Kiss.. my.. star.. fish My.. choco.. late.. Starfish.. punk Kiss.. my.. star.. fish My.. choco.. late.. Starfish.. punk You wanna fuck me like an animal You'd like to burn me on the inside You like to think that I'm a perfect drug Just know that nothing you do Will bring you closer to me
Метки: Real D.Bills, Weird!, Die Laughing, four-letter words
Alexander Pup
Alexander Pup
Poetry Break
ЧИТАТЬ ВСЛУХ С ВЫРАЖЕНИЕМ!
Пушкин:
17 30 48
140 10 01
126 138
140 3 501
Маяковский:
2 46 38 1
116 14 20!
15 14 21
14 0 17
Есенин:
14 126 14
132 17 43...
16 42 511
704 83
170! 16 39
514 700 142
612 349
17 114 02
Веселые:
2 15 42
42 15
37 08 5
20 20 20!
7 14 100
02 00 13
37 08 5
20 20 20!
Грустные:
511 16
5 20 337
712 19
2000047
Метки: Die Laughing, Deadly Poetry
Alexander Pup
Alexander Pup
Putin the gay icon
Russian leader Vladimir Putin has inadvertently become a gay icon after stripping down to the waist on a fishing trip.
The pictures were taken while the President was on holiday with Prince Albert of Monaco in the Siberian mountains.
They have had a huge impact in Russia, turning the president into a sex symbol, an inspiration for men to start pumping iron, and the new darling of the gay lobby.
Newspaper Komsomolskaya Pravda published a huge colour photo of the bare-chested President, under the headline Be Like Putin.
The picture illustrated a guide to the exercises needed to build up a torso like that of the Russian leader.
The paper reported that women who visited its website had posted comments on Mr Putin's "vigorous torso" and said they "were screaming with delight and showering him with compliments."
Russian gay chatrooms and blogs were also particularly intrigued by the photos. One satirical photo circulating on the internet compared the fishing and riding adventure with gay cowboy movie Brokeback Mountain. The 54-year-old leader, who is married with two daughters, has cultivated a macho image. He is a keen downhill skier, has a black belt in judo, and has appeared on television driving a truck, operating a train, sailing on a submarine and co-piloting a fighter jet.
Метки: Die Laughing, Weird!, putin, Gay Gallery
Alexander Pup
Alexander Pup
Phrasal Verb: lay off
 One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, "We're making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off." Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know whom to fire."
The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, "Barbara, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?" Barbara replied, "You'd better jack off. I've got a headache."
Метки: Die Laughing, Deadly Word Boost, phrasal verbs
Alexander Pup
Alexander Pup
Children's Humor
Definitely yes
A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word "definitely" to them. To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence. The first student raised his hand and said "The sky is definitely blue". The teacher said, "Well, that isn't entirely correct, because sometimes it's gray and cloudy".
Another student says, "Grass is definitely green." The teacher again replies "If grass doesn't get enough water it turns brown, so that isn't really correct either."
Another student raises his hand and asks the teacher "Do farts have lumps?" The teacher looked at him and said "No...But that isn't really a question you want to ask in class discussion." So the student replies, "Then I definitely shit my pants."
Definition of ‘bitch’
A boy is at school and he hears the older kids talking about pussy, and their bitch. The boy confused by this goes to his mother. "Mom", the boy asks, "What's a pussy?"
The mother being startled by this thinks quick and finds the closest dictionary and opens it up to a picture of a cat and says "Son, that is a pussy." the son then asks "What's a bitch?" The mother again thinking quickly opens to a picture of a dog and says "Son, this is a bitch."
The son walks away still confused, and sees his father watching television. The son walks up to his father and says "Dad, what's a pussy?" The father doesn't want to miss the baseball game so he quickly whips out his Penthouse magazine to the centerfold, grabs a marker and draws a circle around the vagina and says "Son, this is a pussy!"
The son, now starting to understand what the older boys are talking about asks "Then, what is a bitch?"
The dad replies, "That's everything outside the circle!"
Do you like sandwiches?
A woman and her little boy were walking through a park in New York and they pass two squirrels having sex. The little boy asks his mom, "Mommy, mommy, what are they doing?" The lady responded, "They're making a sandwich." Then they pass two dogs having sex and the little boy again asks what they were doing. His mother again replied they were making a sandwich. A couple of days later the little boy walks in on his mother and father and said "Mommy, Daddy, you must be making a sandwich because, Mommy has mayonnaise all over her mouth!!!"
Метки: Die Laughing
Alexander Pup
Alexander Pup
I love NY
 A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."
The girl nodded yes, after all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain. 'What are you doing here?' the captain asked. She got up off the ground and explained, "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors. He's taking me to Europe, and he's screwing me."
The captain looked at her, "He sure is lady, this is the Staten Island Ferry.'
Метки: Die Laughing, ferry
Alexander Pup
Alexander Pup
Many Uses Of Vaseline
 A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet. He said, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?" She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time." "And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?" "We use it for sex." The researcher was a little taken aback. He said, "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?" The woman said, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out."
Метки: Die Laughing, vaseline
Alexander Pup
Alexander Pup
Couldn't be worse
A Commerce Township, Michigan man needs to work on how he handles rejection. Last Sunday, 27-year-old Jeremy McIntosh was arrested after he got dressed as a woman and repeatedly crashed his car into a lingerie store called Intimate Ideas that had refused to hire him earlier this year. Police say McIntosh was dolled up in, "facial makeup, lipstick, blue Capri pants, red flip-flops, a flowery blouse and a matching flowery women's bra."McIntosh, who caused about three thousand dollars worth of damage to Intimate Ideas, told authorities he's homeless and wanted to go to jail because he had nowhere else to go.
An unidentified man wandered around the hallways of a Billings, Montana Comfort Inn on Monday night, knocking on doors and asking guests to help him get into his room. After that, the man -- who was drunk -- tried to climb over the reception desk before police showed up and got him to lay down and surrender his weapon. Authorities arrested the man, who was only charged with disorderly conduct because he never actually pointed the gun at anyone.
A German farmer who married a woman he met on the internet has asked for the marriage to be annulled after finding out 'she' was a he. Wolfgang Zober, 55, from Naumburg, said: "I don't meet many women as I am often out in the fields working all day, and so a friend suggested I try internet dating. "I was delighted when I contacted Randy Victoria, 38, and was delighted when I met her and realised she was as lovely as her photographs. "She even knew loads about farming - I didn't realise that was because she used to be a farmer herself. "We only had a kiss and cuddle before we married. But on my wedding night she told me she had a penis - and that her real name was Ralf. I was devastated. "The only true thing she did say was that she had two children, but she was the father - not the mother."
Метки: Real D.Bills, Die Laughing
|
|
